jason, you’re on the jets, and we don’t really care about you


Greetings from the Taconic north. On my way up to Albany for a hopefully hangover-free Labor Day fest, I write to you in the midst of a heretofore boring trip with a lip-packing Shmike and some Saosin playing from my iPod.

We began talking about the jets, of course, and made our way to Jason Taylor, the most unnecessary of all the unnecessary Jets washed-up signings.

Ooh! Just past that weird dirt parking lot where there are always cops and marks the death of any fm radio signal.


Every Wednesday, well, for the past 3 wednesdays, my friends and I have hung out to watch the best preseason event I’ve ever experienced. Moreso than the Jets-Giants preseason matchup and wearing down the edge of my seat waiting for Sanchez to make another bad read in the pocket, our preseason has been headlined by HBO’s Hardknocks.

Hardknocks, which, like a lot of HBO programs, is well-written, honestly felt, and provides us with a slight experience of what every NFL team goes through before every season, revolves around the Jets and their training camp in Cortland and Hofstra. It enables us fans, who usually like our team simply because our fathers do, or because our fathers hate them, to relate, empathize, sympathize, personalize, humanize with the players as people, rather than pawns to win fantasy leagues and cover spreads.

At the end of every Hardknocks episode we witness Mike Tannenbaum, the Jets GM, make the obligatory weekly preseason player cuts, letting us witness players sealing their lips just tight enough to keep curses from spewing, reluctantly shaking hands with chubby Tannenbaum, and sadly sauntering back to their lockers (which are always shown the same way with nobody in the lockerroom and a medium-wide camera view, (we get it, HBO, the cut player feels lonely now)).

These moments always leave us viewers with a slight disappointment and sympathy, but also with a slight happiness that our favorite players, if we’re lucky enough, weren’t yet cut from the team. Everybody likes an underdog, nobody wants to see the little guys like Danny Woodhead and Larry Taylor get cut.

Before these late-episode sorrows, though, we sometimes watch the luckier plays, guys that aren’t on the cut precipice, live their lives outside football. We like to see the difference in character when guys like Mike Tannenbaum and Antonio Cromartie are with their children rather than on the on the gridiron. And throughout every episode HBO has known that. It’s a nice pawn anthropomorphization in between every Rex Ryan “fuck,” “shit,” “dick,” “and drop your balls.”

One of these get-to-know-the-players segments, though, one from last episode, really was, in all honesty, a piece of shit. This was when we entered the world of Jason Taylor.

In this what-should-have-been-filler-and-not-utter-garbage we took a trip along with a lost Jason Taylor who was trying to find Meadowland Stadium and, in the next scene, heard a brief for-the-cam flirt between Jason and Rex about how much horsepower Taylor’s Maserati had.  I think it was somewhere in the 400s, which, to a lot of people is cool, but seriously, HBO?  We’re watching a show about a football team, don’t stoop to a he-man mash-up.

We then followed JTay into his hotel room where his wife and children were.

–this was the best part of the segment.  The bed was set up with boxing ring-like ropes, making a soft floor boxing ring, and was possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen.  And next to it was Aphrodite.

Jason, nobody cares how fast your car is, and how the hell do you not know your way to the stadium for a game. Aside from there probably being signs leading to the stadium as far as 60 miles away from the field, you have a GPS in your car. You said that it wasn’t working, but you’re driving a maserati, shouldn’t you have a, in John Donghia’s words, maserati of GPS’? If “seeing a GPS working correctly is one of the best things in the world,” (which is weird) I suggest getting a new one that works, ass.

Also, you’re not good anymore, and being late for practices and games because you consider yourself too good to travel with the team is rubbing it in the faces of guys who bust their asses and still get cut from the team. Based on your current performance and not your history, you should be in their situation and busting every play for a roster spot, let alone time on the field.  I see the #99 on the field, but I don’t see any plays being made.

Give us our money back so we can add it to the Revis fund.

Revis fund — all Jets fans should donate $5 to the team , it has to work, right?

Still way too far from Albany,


P.s. – sorry for the short post on something that could definitely have been longer, typing on a phone will in a car takes a toll on your thumbs and stomach

P.p.s – if there are any typos or grammatical lapses, live with them. Pressing delete a bunch of times and retyping correctly isn’t worth it on a phone

P.p.s. – I love you


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